The Vampire
by Fish-Inton
Summary: Vampire, witch and, mot importantly, Severus Snape's insane friend. Together they will cause havoc and mayhem around Hogwarts. Chapter Nine is up!
1. Chapter One

The Vampire

By _Fish_

Chapter One: Introduction to Death 

She rubbed the scar running up the length of her arm vigorously as it resumed its tingling. The nerves in the left arm had been severed some time ago and were taking their time to regenerate, paining her as they did so.

Pulling a black t-shirt over her head, she took from the waist height table her colt .45 and wand and put them in their respective places: wand in sleeve and .45 in waistband of black trousers.

Taking a long swig of the potion she had invented years ago, all by herself, she flopped into an old leather armchair. Fidgeting until comfortable, she sat, silent and thoughtful. The silence of her darkened chamber didn't usually bother her... but this particular night was an exception.

Rubbing the tingly scarred arm again and wincing from the sharp pain which ran up it from time to time, she sighed deeply. Yesterday had been the end of her mission, which had been a success. Thankfully.

Snapping out of her pensive mood at the sound of scratching from above, she leapt out of her chair and approached the trapdoor above her desk, which had far too much parchment strewn across it.

_Thank the Gods! An owl! _she thought when the familiar scratching from upstairs resumed. _Or is it an owl?_ she reconsidered, turned and grabbed her wand taking her gun from the back of her trousers. Bouts of paranoia had become frequent for her, in her silent and lonely world.

Reassured by the familiar weight of the gun in her left hand and by the smoothness of the wand-handle in her right, she approached the trapdoor, staying in the darkest of shadows in the dimly lit room. There was a good few reasons for the room not having windows, the fact that it was an underground room was only one.

A thud above the trapdoor confirmed her suspicions: whatever was up there was definitely not an owl.

Stepping from the dark shadows to unlock the entrance to her 'lair', she waited. Then she heard it - a voice. A low and masculine voice. Judging by his mutterings above the door, he was figuring out exactly how he was going to act if he encountered the occupant of the dark house that the entrance to the underground rooms was hidden in. Listening closely, she noted that the voice had a slight metallic quality, as if he had not used his voice for some time.

Another thud. _What the?_ she thought, wondering exactly what was going on above ground. Again came the voice. What had he said?

_I'm moving out. This is the seventh time this month. One of these days I'll wake up dead... wait... wrong thing to say there. Gods, can't a girl get some peace in her own home?_ Her mind wandered as she watched the trapdoor. The thoughts came to an abrupt halt when her sharp mind registered what her blood red eyes beheld: the trapdoor was slowly creaking open. Once it had been opened properly, a rope ladder was lowered into the room. _Can't be a witch or wizard this time then,_ she observed, knowing that only a Muggle would use such equipment... if one could call it that.

Inhaling deeply, she caught the intruder's scent. _Definitely male. Hmmm... inkling of expensive cologne left on skin... needs a shower though._

Deciding instantly on what her plan of action was, when the first foot arrived, she waited for five seconds.

Then she struck.

No sooner had the second foot touched the second rung of the ladder had she tugged the ladder with such force that the weight holding it to the ground above, an old chair, fell through the trapdoor with the intruder. She held him at both gun and wandpoint. He was trapped beneath the old heavy chair, but she couldn't be too sure.

"Who are you?" She demanded in a voice cold and uncaring.

"Who are you?!"

If possible, her already red eyes reddened, giving her the appearance of a madwoman. The times she had been asked that question. Her hand brought the gun to his left temple, pressing it against it, causing the poor unfortunate trespasser to flinch in pain.

"Death." She replied bluntly, lightly squeezing the trigger of the silver gun, killing the man instantly. "Welcome to Hell." She greeted the body before setting to work on it. The blood would need draining and leaving for at least a month and she had to dispose of the remains.

Not many Muggles knew she was there, they didn't believe in what she was.

She was inhuman.

She was a vampire.

She was a witch.

Hated, loved, praised and cursed at the same time.

Above all, she was alone.

Io was the Dark Messenger of the Vampire-Wizard prophecy, and she hated herself for it.


	2. Chapter Two

**The Vampire**

By _Fish_

Chapter Two: You're a Diamond!

Taking her leave from the cellar of the dark house she owned, Io dragged with her a large sack. Taking it to the field next to the nearest graveyard, she brought from her pocket a shrunken shovel. Dropping the sack and giving a chuckle as it hit the floor with a muffled thud and a crack, she retrieved her wand from the sleeve of her jacket before returning the spade to it's original size.  
  
Io began to dig. True, she could have used magic. But why use magic when you have inhuman strength? In truth, Io was praying that she wouldn't come across any decomposing bodies of previous meals, victims or intruders as she dug. They did occasionally come back to life, so she had to lop their heads off before re-burying them. One even found it's way back to the house and broke through the trapdoor when she was asleep - luckily for her, she had awoken and hexed the zombie into oblivion. That was before the potion was made - after that she placed wards and reinforced her trapdoor with whatever she could when she was off-guard. She also decapitated the bodies she could tell would be coming back. It was something in their eyes, just as they glazed over, that she could see.  
  
_At least this one won't be coming back,_ she joked to herself. It was only after she had taken the money from the middle-aged man's wallet that Io realised he was a spy for Voldemort's Death Eaters, even though she could find no ID cards. The thoughts of that particular group of followers made her think of him - they'd had a good time together, it was fun while it lasted. _He's probably dead,_ she told herself. Because the recently deceased was a Death Eater _Ex-Death Eater, I would say._ Io had cut his head off and wondered what to do with it. She had to think about that when she got back. If she had enough potion to spare, she might send it to somebody in the post... _Surprise!_ She thought to herself. Perhaps she could send it to old-Voldie, as she called him. It would be like a warning, not that she'd personally sign it.  
  
After a gruelling three and a half hours of digging, dragging and burying, Io returned to her cellar, closed the trapdoor behind her, barricading and warding it. If she had mail, the owls would leave it in the attic.  
  
"Oh fuck..." She spoke for the first time in three days as she rummaged through her bathroom cabinet. She had run out of potion. "Fine, I'll pickle his head in a jar... just like Raspail." Io decided. "Now to find a decent sized jar."  
  
Eventually, Io drained an entire bottle of blood so she could transfigure the container into a jar.  
  
With the Death Eater's head on the wall opposite the fire, Io sat for all of five minutes admiring her work before becoming restless again. She decided to floo some random person she hadn't seen in a while. But who to floo?   
  
_Him? Yeah, let's floo him,_ Io's inner voice suggested. So, taking a handful of floo powder and throwing it carelessly into the fireplace, she called into the ball of green flame. "You there?"  
  
"What?! WHO?! Oh... it's you." A sleepy and pale looking man sat up in his huge bed, covers slipping down his chest, revealing his naked torso.  
  
"Yes, it's me."  
  
"It's two o'clock in the morning - I have lessons tomorrow, go away."  
  
"I miss you." She confessed to him, slumping into the armchair and summoning a bottle of Firewhiskey. "We haven't talked in a while." She said glumly, running a hand through her dark hair.  
  
"Three years."  
  
"Yup. Well, three years, two months, five days and four hours." She corrected.  
  
"You count more than me." The man observed, running a hand through his black hair before sighing and changing subjects. "I see you've added to your collection. Hmmm... Malcolm Tremmer, useless at potions, I recall. Pity he forgot his wand this time, I suppose." The man observed through the floo connection. Io nodded and sighed, taking a swig of the alcohol from the bottle. "Is this all you floo'ed me for?"  
  
"Malcolm? Oh, well, he's called Johnny now And I get the idea he didn't forget his wand - he just didn't use it much... he acts more like a Muggle nowadays... well, he did anyway."  
  
"You name them now?" He questioned, eyebrow quirked, gesturing to the wall behind her.  
  
"You sound somewhat surprised."  
  
"I suppose I am." Came the confession. "I didn't think you could stoop so low." He added with a smirk.  
  
"I told you, I miss you. It's boring here. All I can do is pickle body parts, kill intruders and pray I'll get an owl from the Ministry informing me of another mission that requires more than some ponce of an Auror. Life's just no fun anymore - and I've got until the end of time!"  
  
"I'm fine too, thanks for asking."   
  
Io rolled her eyes and chuckled. She loved his dry sense of humour. "I'm glad - how's your life?"  
  
"Voldemort left me alone after almost killing me and Lucius Malfoy is in Azkaban, not that Gryffindor will be receiving any house points from their not-so-cranky Potions Master anytime soon."  
  
"Damn. I wanted to pickle Malfoy's testicles... think Fudge'll let me?"  
  
"I highly doubt it, Io. Do you never sleep?"  
  
"I don't usually use enough energy to do such a thing."  
  
"Oh. How is the potion coming?"  
  
"I floo'ed you a year ago about it, but you were in the shower and sounded like you were... enjoying yourself." Before he could open his mouth to explain to the young vampire, she continued: "You need to get yourself a girl. Anyhow, it worked, but I go through it quickly and I hardly have the facilities here to make another month's supply, so I was wondering-"  
  
"I will discuss it with Albus."  
  
"Thankies! Hugs to you!"  
  
"NOW will you leave me to my sleep?"  
  
"You're a diamond!"  
  
And she was gone from the flames.


	3. Chapter Three

**The Vampire** By _Fish_ Chapter Three: Breakfast Antics 

Professor Severus Snape sat, for once, at the teachers table for breakfast. In front of him was a plate of dry toast and a mug of steaming coffee. Fed up with glaring at students who were not paying the slightest bit of attention to the fact he existed, he glared at his toast... wondering just how frightened the near charred bread would be if it could express itself.  
  
Severus had not been able to sleep after Io had floo'ed him, and he needed caffeine... lots and lots of caffeine.  
  
_Bloody vamp,_ he cursed to himself. She had offered to let him join her on her travels, but he had politely declined. He did not dislike Io, in fact, he found her interesting and rather entertaining. It was ten years ago, at a potions convention in Canada, that Snape had first encountered Io and her crazy vampiric theories.  
  
She had been experimenting with different potions for five years before the convention, attempting to find a cure for vampires and their aversion to sunlight.  
  
Having not found a vampire willing to test the array of potions she had concocted, Io had given herself to the dark and had become a vampire so she could test the strange mixes on herself. It was, by no means, easy.  
  
After a close shave with death and Lucius Malfoy, she had been taken back to Hogwarts by Severus, or Hugo, as she had named him for some bizarre reason.  
  
After spending two weeks recovering and regaining her senses, Io spent a week in Snape's private lab in his chambers - there she had come up with the perfect formula and theory for her potion.  
  
So, with one more week at Hogwarts and two years on the Isle of Wight begging Severus, by floo, for ingredients both rare and common, she developed her potion.   
  
And it worked.  
  
Though she did not tell Severus, since he was in the shower... 'enjoying' himself... and oh-so-much-more.  
  
_If only she knew.  
_  
Now he knew her efforts had not been a total waste and that she was still alive, Snape allowed himself a small smile.  
  
"Good morning, Minerva, Severus." Albus Dumbledore cheerily greeted the unusually distant and unfocused Professor Snape and McGonagall, whom Severus had not noticed was present at the table, until now.  
  
"Indeed it is. Albus, may I have a word in your office?"  
  
"Of course, Severus, right after breakfast." Dumbledore chuckled to himself. It must be an important matter for Severus to be so forward. Minerva was clearly curious, as was evident by her not-so-subtle glances in Severus' direction.  
  
With a sigh, Severus pulled from a pocket in his voluminous robes a small piece of parchment and a quill. He was fed up with McGonagall's annoying glances. On the parchment, he wrote a short note before folding it and passing it to the Transfigurations Professor.  
  
She fainted and fell from her seat after reading the word. One word: 'Io'.  
  
Severus Snape burst out laughing, causing everybody in the Great Hall to stop and stare at him with expressions of shock plastered to their faces. The greasy git of a Potions Master was laughing and pointing at the Gryffindor Head of House, who was on the floor and out cold. Snape laughed himself off the seat he had been perched on and proceeded to roll on the floor in a fit of the giggles.  
  
Albus continued to eat, ignoring Severus and Minerva's states of sanity or unconsciousness.  
  
Professor Snape was indeed pleased that Io, his dear friend whom he had saved the life of twice and played many pranks with, would hopefully return to Hogwarts. Peeves had no idea of what he was in for.  
  
And perhaps she would share the potion formulas with him over lunch one day.  
  
Yes, life definitely seemed to be looking up.


	4. Chapter Four

**The Vampire**

By _Fish_

Chapter Four: The Impatient and Drunk Immortal 

Io was roused from her peaceful sleep by the sudden roar of green flame in the hearth before the sofa she lounged on. Severus' head appeared.  
  
"HUGO!" She greeted him with a grin, flashing her bloodied fangs. Apparently, she had fed before sleeping.  
  
"Severus, please... how many more times?"  
  
"Okay, okay, okay... what did Albus say?"  
  
"Ever the impatient little immortal." A glare from the younger party as she wiped the red residue from her fangs. "You're welcome to come to Hogwarts and, PROVIDING you do not cause too much trouble, you are welcome to sit in on a few of my classes."  
  
Io leapt three feet in the air, whooping and howling with joy. "FINALLY! Somebody! Woo! Thanks Hu- erm.... Severus!"  
  
"Indeed... I have some business in Hogsmeade tomorrow evening, perhaps I could meet you at the station? If you still dislike using the floo network, that is."  
  
"I would be delighted, Sev."  
  
"Good, well, all settled then, I have to go and sort out my dungeons... AND the guest quarters. Goodbye for now, Io."  
  
"Ta-ta!" Io waved at him and let out a small chuckle when he rolled his eyes at her. Severus Snape was not a mean man... he had quite the sense of humour when it came down to it... well, he could always make HER laugh... and Albus... if he was being mopey and pathetic.  
  
Albus' head appeared in Severus' fireplace almost five seconds after he had said farewell to Io.  
  
"Headmaster." The Potions Master nodded to Albus. "How is Minerva?"  
  
"She is conscious and cursing both yourself and Io... rather vehemently, even by my own standards."  
  
"Don't remind me." Snape said, holding his hand up to forestall any further conversation involving the language used by a very inebriated Albus Dumbledore.  
  
"Alright then... how is Io?"  
  
"Doing fine... albeit bored, but fine all the same. She's looking forward to returning."  
  
"I would think so... she brought the best out in you, you know?"  
  
"We have a couple of traits in common. Potions, for one... and we enjoy the odd cruel prank or two... but other than that, we're totally different."  
  
"Whatever you say, my boy, whatever you say."  
  
"I do say."   
  
_Mopey and pathetic... again._ Albus thought, genuinely happy that Severus would have his friend back again.  
  
"Oh... fuck... fuckety fuck fuck... of all the lousy fucking days, today had to be the day that I fucking lose my fucking wand... well fuck that..." Io was not a happy little vampire bunny... she had indeed misplaced her wand. "Bollocks." She sighed and gave up searching. She'd probably find it later. "OW! SHIT!" She yelped as her toe came into contact with something hard. Dropping to her knees, she peeked cautiously under the sofa where the object had flown after she kicked it. "If it's another bloody body part, come to avenge it's owner... I'll kill it... again." Io vowed, sick and tired of the countless disembodied arms and torsos which had somehow gotten into her 'lair', attempting to beat her to death with... well, with themselves.  
  
Eventually she found what it was she had kicked - a bottle of firewhiskey... in fact, it was a considerably large bottle of firewhiskey... just begging to be tossed down until the recipient of the liquor was rather inebriated.  
  
Following her instinct Io found herself a seat curled up comfortably on it and began to drink. Oh, she drank... and drank... and drank... until the entire bottle of firewhiskey had gone.  
  
Laughing herself off her chair and pointing at the coffee table, which she realised looked just like a squashed hippopotamus, Io fell unconscious.


	5. Chapter Five

The Vampire

By _Fish_

__

__

Chapter Five: There Are Two Different Types of Wand 

"Ugh..." The pale woman groaned as she crawled to her small box full of potions hidden under the sofa. "Shit." She cursed, finding the place of the hangover relief potion empty.   
  
_Ground, now would be a good time to open up and swallow me..._ She thought to herself in the most deadpan way possible. Glancing at the digital clock's glowing display, she noticed that it was   
  
"Wand!" Io suddenly remembered, sitting bolt upright. Realising that sitting up quickly when one has a hangover is not always such a good idea, she stood up... and proceeded to run to the small bathroom. "Damn whoever came up with the satanic inspired drink that is firewhiskey!" She yelled before retching again. And that was how she spent her afternoon, hugging the toilet.

Severus Snape, 'epitome of sensibility' compared to a certain hung-over vampire, was also having a disastrous afternoon. Though he had not lost his wand.   
  
_Okay... wand number one: up left sleeve. Wand number two: secure and well protected..._ It was true, the more treasured 'wand' was at risk whenever Io was around... or so he had found out last time he was in public with her. In fact, he had found it out five times... each time more painful that the last.  
  
Having indulged in a bath and actually washed his hair 'properly', as his mother would say, Severus was feeling awake and... secure.   
  
_Oh yes, definitely secure..._ he thought with a small smile on his face as he patted his well padded package.  
  
After finally locating his shoes under the mess of spare vials he had scrubbed the night before, the Potions Master headed out of his dungeons. Surprisingly, for those who noticed, he was wearing a different set of robes... this set did not billow so much and seemed much more fitting than his teaching robes. It appeared also that the padding around his You-Know-What earned him a few 'looks' from the few female students who just so happened to be passing.   
  
_Did she just do a double take?!_ He wondered to himself after passing a certain Minerva McGonagall. _I think I'm going to be sick!_ The poor man was so traumatised, he had to fight the urge to scream 'EEEEW!' and many obscenities. Then again, he had a reputation to defend, so it would not have done him any good to actually scream 'EEEEW!' and many obscenities.  
  
Taking three deep and calming breaths, Severus masked his emotions once more and scowled at all who happened to be innocently passing. It was time to meet Io and he was becoming slightly edgy about what would happen.   
  
But first, to The Three Broomsticks to collect his parcel before proceeding his journey to the train station.  
  
"Gotcha!" Io muttered to both herself and her wand, which had been under the hippopotamus look-a-like coffee table all along. Why she hadn't thought of searching there, she had no idea.  
  
Sighing with relief and reloading the .45, Io unlocked the trapdoor but did not open it. Glancing around one last time, checking she had everything and patting her pockets to assure herself that the three miniature trunks were with her, she left, swinging her deep red rucksack over her back.


	6. Chapter Six

**The Vampire**

By _Fish_

Chapter Six: The Journey to Hogwarts 

Io pulled he hood of her black sweater over her head, masking her face from the sunlight completely. Hot as it was under the three long sleeved t-shirts, pair of heavy black baggy jeans, baseball cap, beanie hat, gloves and three pairs of socks, she dared not remove a single item for fear of exposing her skin to the sunlight, which was bright and hot in the clear sky..  
  
To Io, the Hogwarts Express on platform nine and three-quarters seemed to have gotten bigger since she had last seen it. The windows were... well, they were windows, and were there to let light into each and every carriage.  
  
"Bugger." Io muttered under her breath, staring dumbly at the window nearest her. Maybe she could have a word with the driver... if not, she would just have to spend the entire train journey underneath the seat.  
  
The red engine puffed steam all over the place, making Io's trek to the driver's compartment a rather risky one. Eventually finding her way to the front compartment, thankful for the bright yellow line signifying the edge of the platform, she lowered her sunglasses slightly and tapped timidly on the glass of the driver's window.  
  
A round-faced middle-aged man with greying hair peeking from just under his cap peered out of the window, clearly struggling to separate her black form from the white of the steam which engulfed her small figure, distorting the sunlight slightly. Once he realised she was there, after finding his glasses of course, the train driver lowered his window to her and tipped his hat as a greeting.  
  
"Hi." Io waved her left gloved hand. Black gloves, of course. Resettling her rucksack on her back, she continued. "Umm, I'm a little sensitive to the sunlight this time of year... it's a disease passed through my family, you see. Yes, well, heh... I was just curious, would it be too much trouble to ask for a blind or cover of sorts for the window... just for the journey there?"  
  
"Umm..." The driver waited for her words to sink in.  
  
_Come on, dunderhead... wait... 'dunderhead'?! OH... MY... GOD! I even sound like him now... IN MY HEAD! Something is very wrong here! GAGH!_  
  
"Yeah, I'll try an' sort somethin' out for ye... a bit early to be off t'ogwarts now, i'nt it?" The driver eyed her suspiciously.  
  
_Worse accent than Hagrid... poor guy..._ She mused, a small smile daring to spread across her face.  
  
"Thanks. Really, thank-you... I'm meeting an old acquaintance at the station and have been invited to Hogwarts for a while. I have a few business deals over there." She lied, as she had done when requesting the cover for the window.  
  
"Ah, right! I get ye now... right... well, I'll just come an' sort out that carriage for ye... any pref'rences?"  
  
"Er... yes, the last carriage preferably... that or just somewhere near the back."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Not many on the train today then?"  
  
"Nah, it'll be packed this time next weekend though... sometimes a little earlier... early arrivals an' the like, ye know?" The chubby driver somehow exited his carriage and followed Io, who was walking rather quickly since the steam was slowly dissipating, thus revealing the cruel light of the sun. The driver stepped into the last carriage, entered the compartment and waved his wand at the windows, covering them instantly with thick black cloth, darkening the carriage instantly.  
  
"Much better, thanks." She praised the man, who was quickly becoming insufferable... she didn't exactly get on well with Hagrid either. Io could have put the black cloth up herself, had the train not been so heavily charmed, warded... you name it. The basics were that only the train driver, who was certified, could actually do stuff to the train.  
  
_Haha! Death Eater train driver guy! Actually, that would be perfect to get at people with... ooh... may have to tell Hugo about that... I mean, Severus._  
  
"No problem, hope ye 'ave a nice journ'y. 'Ere, what be ye name?"  
  
"Uh, Ruth... yeah, my name is Ruth." Io could see in the darkness that he did not quite believe her response, but kept to it all the same. After a couple of beats of awkward silence, the driver said his farewell and left the carriage, closing and locking the door behind him, leaving her to her darkness and the silence which seemed to deafen her.  
  
_Right... annoying driver and HOW many more to get on the train? When do we depart again?_ A glance at the ticket she held in the darkness, _Ten minutes... Gods... need to sleep..._  
  
By the time the magnificent train had left the station, the total number of passengers was a staggering five.   
  
_OH MY GOD! A WHOLE FIVE?!  
_  
Eventually, after seven long and loud yawns, sleep took Io, leaving her totally vulnerable, smoothing out her weathered features as she relaxed.  
  
Severus was having a slightly bad day. He had somehow let his guard down for a moment after exiting the Three Broomsticks and had managed to have his money swiped. The truth was, he had been distracted by a walking disaster. She was clearly an American witch... whatever the hell she was doing in Hogsmeade was none of his business, but he had found her luminous pink PVC robe somewhat erotic. For the second time that day, the padding in his lower regions grew.  
  
_Stop thinking like this... she won't let you live it down._ Not that his thoughts were helping... sure, he was TELLING himself that he should not think the thoughts he was thinking, but the images in his head told a completely different story. _MINERVA MCGONAGALL NUDE! STRIPPED! UNCLOTHED AND UNCENSORED!!! Not working... ALBUS DUMBLEDORE NAKED! Going to throw up... oh Gods._ Yes, he had come back to his senses.   
  
The former of the naked images in his mind usually worked... then again, being the poor unfortunate man he was, he had seen Albus Dumbledore naked and shuddered when he thought about it, whereas he had never actually seen Minerva in the nude... so his imagination could run wild... for all he knew, she could have tentacles hidden under her robes. Then he usually scared himself shitless for actually thinking about it. Then he had to convince himself that he was not gay for thinking of Albus in such a manner, he was straight as a steel rule and then proceeded to drown his sorrows in two bottles of strong firewhiskey.  
  
Realising he was running behind schedule, having stared at the spot the 'pink PVC' witch had been standing in for Merlin knows how long, he quickened his pace, noting that he was definitely back to normal... in ALL anatomical aspects. Phew.  
  
Arriving at the station a few minutes early, Severus seated himself on a rather uncomfortable bench and waited, retreating into his mind as he did so.  
  
Io awakened to the sensation of being shaken by the shoulders. She blinked several times, eyes adjusting to the light.  
  
"Huh? Wha- gagh! LIGHT!" She screamed as the sunlight streaming in from the open carriage door. Covering her face with her gloved hands and attempting desperately to pull her hats and hood over her face, she did not notice exactly who the lean man towering over her was.  
  
Covering the trembling vampire with his voluminous yet rather trim robes, Professor Snape waited for her to calm down. He listened to the silence of the carriage, knowing she was not breathing as such, but testing the air. He heard her inhale deeply.  
  
"Hugo?" Severus rolled his eyes and shook his head.  
  
"The very same... now, what is my name?"  
  
"Severus?"  
  
"Well done... are you quite ready to leave yet?"   
  
"Just a moment." There was a rustling under the robe as she pulled the baseball cap, the beanie hat and the large hood over her face, along with a ski mask which she had produced from one of her many pockets. She looked ready for one of her missions more than for a stroll through Hogsmeade.  
  
Flinging his robe off of her small frame, Io sat herself up in the seat, lowering the sunglasses from her forehead to protect her eyes. She needed more of her potion, but would have to wait for it to brew both in her lair and at Hogwarts. At least the rooms she would be occupying were located in the dungeons, away from the light.  
  
And so, Severus and Io began their journey back to Hogwarts... in silence, since they were both thinking of some sort of witty and intellectual topic of discussion that they knew plenty about and that they knew the other would be completely stumped on.


	7. Chapter Seven

**The Vampire**

By _Fish_

Chapter Seven: Snape the Dancing Flobberworm and Nippy 

Having not actually thought up any interesting topics that would render the second party speechless as they strolled in the dying sunlight, Severus settled for just contemplating what Minerva might do if Io happened to cross her path. Hiding a smile, Severus recalled the battle of Minerva and Io.  
  
The Potions Master had been in quite the good mood and was having a rather heated debate over who might win the House Cup for that particular year. The two men had come to ignore the glares Minerva and Io seemed to constantly send each other.  
  
_It was just a water balloon... filled with goop... made by Io... that turned the Gryffindor head of house's hair Slytherin green..._ he recalled, suppressing the urge to point and laugh.  
  
It was seven minutes and three seconds later that the glaring had, apparently, become boring, and the first hex was thrown.   
  
By the end of the 'battle' the students had run from the Great Hall every-which-way, several prefects were left with green hair and various splodges of colour were splattered everywhere, including all over Severus and Albus' hair, robes and noses. Not that the Professors minded all that much... they were getting a hilarious show of Minerva being hung by her teaching robes from one of the many rafters lining the ceiling of the Great Hall, thus showing off her huge knickers.  
  
Io sat smugly on the rafter next to the Transfigurations professor, looking rather pleased with herself.  
  
Oh yes, they had most definitely had fun last time Io graced the castle with her presence.  
  
Though she was only small, she carried with her such a powerful atmosphere that Severus felt drawn to her...   
  
'Like a moth to the flame.' He recited in his head. The line had been used too many times... he was like a moth to the flame when he took the Dark Mark... like a moth to the flame when he joined the Order... like a moth to the flame when... well, when a lot of things happened.  
  
The Potions Master muttered a few short words under his breath... he knew Io could hear what he said loud and clear, as if he had cast a sonorous charm.  
  
"Last one's a dancing Flobberworm, eh?" Io raised her right brow, matching Snape's left brow. He could almost see her eyes behind the dark glasses she wore, shining with amusement.  
  
In silent agreement, the pair were sprinting off through Hogsmeade, which was much less crowded than it had been. Over a sign Severus leapt, long legs putting him at a slight advantage... if he were racing another human, that is. Io's super-strength matched the Potions Master's speed and she soon overtook him.  
  
And so it was the loser of the race, Severus Snape, who turned into a giant dancing Flobberworm as soon as he entered the gates of Hogwarts. And dance he did, since it was all he could do, right up to the two great doors leading to the Entrance Hall. Mercifully, Io changed him back before anybody could see him.  
  
"Why do you always challenge me to races? You always lose."  
  
"Because I know that it is not my performance that is lacking, I keep up considerably well with your strength taken into account, thank-you very much." He argued.  
  
"You're so stubborn. It's sweet. Don't blush. Seriously... you're blushing!" Io sighed, threw her hands in the air, removed her glasses and made her way to the dungeons. "I am going the right way, aren't I?" She questioned when they were halfway down the stone steps leading underground.  
  
"Yes. Hurry up, Miss Vamp."  
  
"Whatever you say, your royal Potions Master." And she did hurry up. In fact, she was at the bottom of the stairs a full two seconds before Severus.  
  
"You take sarcasm far too seriously."  
  
"Yeah." Io waved his observation off. Then she saw them, up ahead. "Ooh! Look! STUDENTS! Can I just-"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh, the Professor Cranky-pants thing... right." She gave the pale man a thumbs up and immediately dropped to her knees, latching on to his left leg and refusing to let go, quite content to be dragged along the floor as he walked on, ignoring the students stares as she yelled: "PLEASE PROFESSOR SLYTHERIN GUY? PLEEEEASE?! JUST ONE MORE? ONE?! PLEEEEEASE!"  
  
"No... no... no." Was the mumbled answer. "Get off the floor, Io." He commanded sternly, stopping in the middle of the dungeon corridor.  
  
"Fine, fine." The vampire picked herself up off the floor, brushing her trousers down, dusting herself off. "Merlin, sometimes I think there are too many tight screws up there in your head." And they resumed walking.  
  
"Whereas your head contains nothing but loose screws."  
  
"True... okay, fine, we're even... do you have a headache?"  
  
"I do now." He replied acidly.  
  
"Ooh... edgy. Fine, so-"  
  
"They are your chambers, Io, your things are already there, I had help taking them from the train before I roused you from your somewhat deep sleep. The password is 'Caffeine', I thought it appropriate for you. Good evening." And he went in the other door.  
  
"Caffeine?" She asked to the empty corridor, surprised when the door opened to reveal a small living room with her three somewhat blocky trunks stacked neatly on top of each other, with a terrified looking little house-elf standing beside them.  
  
_WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!_ Io screamed and fainted at the sight of the house-elf.  
  
Surprisingly enough, she had never seen one, only heard of them, and did not like the look of the creature.  
  
"Oh, Miss! Nippy will go and find help!" The house-elf squealed and was gone, off to find Albus Dumbledore, since Professor Snape would not want to be disturbed... he never had been much of a fan of the house-elves, come to think of it.


	8. Chapter Eight

**The Vampire**

By _Fish_

Chapter Eight: What's Up, Moose? 

Severus stepped from his chambers and began to stride down the hall but stopped when he caught sight of Io's door open and a foot sticking out from the frame.  
  
_What?_ He wondered as his curiosity got the better of him and he went to investigate. He found Io sprawled on the floor, out cold.  
  
"Io?" He said cautiously, surveying her rooms awaiting some sort of attacker, if there was one, to show him or herself. After actually searching Io's new quarters and finding nothing, Severus decided to move Io to somewhere less public - unconscious and halfway out the door was never a good thing. He lifted her gently and carried her light body over to the large sofa in her living room.  
  
_Living room... how ironic... should really be dead room... or something. But I digress._  
  
Severus set her down on the large green leather sofa and left the rooms, headed for his private store. True, he could have flooed there, but truth be told he was not really much of a fan of the floo network. Besides walking was good exercise. Selecting a couple of vials, he returned to Io's chambers, only to find the door open again. Pocketing the vials, he barrelled into the room, wand drawn, ready to take on whoever was in the rooms. Except Io, of course. What the Professor did not expect to see was Albus Dumbledore and a small house-elf. He strode towards the pair, eyes fixed on the house-elf.  
  
"Severus, Nippy here has relayed the entire sequence of events to me. Io was shocked to see the house-elf, she's only fainted. You won't need the vials, let her come to in her own time."   
  
Albus patted Severus' shoulder and flooed to his office. Nippy disappeared to the kitchens, where she found a large saucepan lid and immediately began whacking herself over the head with it.  
  
"Right." Severus flooed to his own office, took his quill, red ink pot and a pile of essays which still needed marking, and returned to Io's rooms where he sat and marked and failed every other student until four o'clock in the morning when she decided to grace him with her conscious presence.  
  
"-And just who the hell is the Pringle Man?!" Io cried out as she leapt off of the sofa, conscious, awake, and messy haired. Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror caused her to leap three feet backwards and fall over the back of the sofa. "Oof!" She hit the floor.  
  
"When you are quite finished."  
  
"Quack, quack!" Io carefully climbed back over the sofa and sat down. "What's up Moose?" she queried, innocent eyes awaiting an answer.  
  
"Moose?" The Potions Master arched one elegant eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah... like... Snape?"  
  
"Moose is like Snape?" Both eyebrows moved further up his forehead.  
  
"Well, I could go for 'what's up SNAKE?' but that's just bad," Io pointed out.  
  
"And yet the simple 'what's up SNAPE?' never occurred to you?" The eyebrows returned to their normal place as he gave her a sardonic smirk.  
  
"Not until now, no," the vampire admitted. "Would you quit smirking?" she stressed the last word. "Oooh... it'll give you more wrinkles when you get to Albus' age and then... YOUR FACE WILL SAG!" Snape stopped smirking. "Thank-you, Hugo."  
  
"I thought I told you not to-"  
  
"Fine." She sighed. "Thank-you... Moose."  
  
"Impossible child."  
  
"Child? CHILD?! I've seen revolutions in both worlds, Mr I'm-So-Great-My-Face-Will-Sag-Pants... wait... pants?" Io looked to the ceiling and sighed.  
  
"Pants? What about them? CAN YOU SEE THEM?!" Severus looked around behind him, attempting to see if his underwear was showing.

"No... pants... as in... substitute for saying 'oh crap' or 'oh shit'... instead it's just 'Pants'," Io explained, looking back at the Potions Master who was relaxing.   
  
"Like the Pringle Man?" He suppressed a smirk.  
  
"Who?" she asked.  
  
"Exactly." Snape nodded knowingly.  
  
"Right then," Io stood, "what's changed around here? I'm off for an explore... oooh... where's Minerva?"  
  
"Don't you dare." Severus couldn't help but grin at the idea of yet another battle between the two. "Well... not until I have a few bets secured with the staff... but by all means explore."  
  
"WOO!" Io danced around and out of the room, leaving Severus alone with his essays and red ink.   
  
He sighed deeply. _What am I going to do with that girl?_ Then, another thought hit him, _Will my face really sag?!___


	9. Chapter Nine

The Vampire

By _Fish_

Chapter Nine: Of Sleep-talking Potions Masters, Johnny Depp, "The Great Handwriting Debate" and the Squeaky Mouse

The vampire ambled down the empty hallway, oblivious to the eerie atmosphere of the silent school. She hummed a soft and haunting melody which echoed down the corridor before the notes faded and died in the silence. Then, the tune stopped. The vampire backtracked four paces and peered into-

"Oooh! The Great Hall!"

"Severus?" The head of Albus Dumbledore appeared in the Potions Master's fireplace. "Severus, are you there? Oh, there you are, I was just-"

"No, Mr Jellybean, I don't know where Morpheus is," the Headmaster was interrupted by a sleepy drawl.

"Albus! Albus? There you are! I want you to take this complaint seriously. I do not want that vampire anywhere in this school - how long is she staying for? Why does she need to be here? Why did you even let her set foot on the Hogwarts grounds again? Do you want to put your students in jeopardy?!" McGonagall, who had burst into Dumbledore's office, ranted before noticing the Headmaster... shoulders shaking, face red with the effort it took him not to laugh at what he continued to witness through the floo. "What are you-" Minerva joined Albus.

Severus lounged in an old leather armchair, fast asleep, one arm flung over his eyes and the other resting lightly on his stomach. Every so often, his nose would twitch, then his leg, and then he would say something.

"Flora won't take the fruit pastel." Minerva snorted. "I am the bouncy cow." Albus took himself away from the floo, pulling the Transfigurations professor with him, to laugh heartily... entirely at Severus' expense. They laughed and laughed, right up until the whole school shook with the impact of... something.

Severus fell out of his chair with an "Oof!" and a thud. "What in the Gods' name was-" he stopped himself. "Io." The Potions Master ran towards the Great Hall, wondering exactly why he had ever talked Albus into letting her stay. Perhaps they could chain her to something in her room and take her wand away... 'and break it,' he mentally added.

Even though she was almost as skilled as he at wandless magic. 'Damn her,' he thought grudgingly... even though she was ALMOST as good at it as he, the man still felt the urge to throttle the girl. _Annoying little-_ but his thoughts were halted as both he and his inner, mental, self burst out laughing at the sight of Io covered in soot, the sorting hat on her head reeling off rhyme after annoying rhyme about vampires not belonging, and Io responding angrily to the hat's comments with anti-racial comments twisted to support her vampiric race.

She ended her replies with "Bastard hat," and left it at that, removing the hat and setting it on the floor. "Hey Hugo, Moose and Severus." Io waved. Snape watched as she waved her wand and cleaned up the sooty mess she had made.

"Good evening, Io." The Potions Master turned on his heel and strode out of the hall, his grin immediately suppressed when he caught sight of Dumbledore and McGonagall rushing in through the 'Big Doors', as Io had called them on her first visit to Hogwarts before commenting how great it would be if they were automatic doors. Then came the advantages and disadvantages of having giant electric double doors... _squashed students,_ Severus recalled the most striking disadvantage, _though I'd call it an advantage... I'll have to talk to Albus about that._

As Severus returned to his dungeons and Minerva returned to her office, Albus took Io to his office for tea and a chat. After catching up on old times and joking with each other, Albus became more serious... after offering her another lemon drop, of course.

"Io, I know you enjoy the odd prank or two every now and again... as does Severus."

"Otherwise known as Hugo or Moose," Io added with a grin.

"Yes, but I ask you to keep the pranks low profile... just while the first years get settled."

"But why? Albus, baby, I just got here... I have a whole week!"

"True," he nodded, his blue eyes twinkling knowingly, "But we don't want to scare people away. Especially not the great witches and wizards of tomorrow."

Io rose form her seat, taking another proffered lemon drop. "So, they get here next weekend then?"

"Yes." Albus nodded.

"Good." She left.

"And no pranking Minerva!" the Headmaster called out to her as she descended the stone steps from his office.

"Since when has that ever worked?" the reply echoed back up the stairs. Albus smiled warmly and took another lemon drop for himself - Severus and Minerva did not seem to appreciate the lemon drop... though Io did, which was a good thing in Professor Dumbledore's eyes.

Severus Snape tsk-tsked at the state of Io's notes. _For a potion so complex, one should have organised notes which can be read easily, not some scrawled mess of figures._

Io looked up from the cauldron she was setting up and observed the tall man with curiosity.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing... just your handwriting." He turned the pad upside down.

"Oh? And what's wrong with it?" Io's eyebrow raised as she awaited his answer.

"I can't read it," he stated bluntly.

"And, of course, your scrawl would be perfect?"

"I can read it." Severus shrugged.

"I can read that," Io said pointedly.

"But I can't." The pad was set down upon the desk.

"Exactly... because you're stupid." The vampire skirted around the desk and the man to pick up the pad and read, quite easily, the writing.

"Nice. Really. I'm serious. You're too good to be true."

"I love you too." She continued to read.

Severus looked at the ceiling and said: "And now you throw yourself at my feet, begging for forgiveness and swearing that you'll never do wrong again."

Io looked up from her pad. "You watch too many movies."

"No, I read too many books."

"Romance novels? Do you have any red ink?"

"You don't know the half of it." The Potions Master handed her a quill and his bottle of red ink.

"Ooh, blood red! My favourite! Hey, you know, we could put those romance novels to good use..." She crossed through three simple equations, replacing them with one highly complex one. The screaming red ink was pasted all over the page in under two minutes. "There... can you read that?"

"Lithuanian monks?!" His eyes wandered to another area of red, "Isn't that illegal?"

"Impossible child." Io sighed deeply in agitation.

"I know you are, but what am I?"

"You just went and proved that you're one of them."

"At least I can write."

"Nu-uh! Your writing is worse than mine!" she argued childishly.

"No it is not!" Severus retaliated.

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

After three minutes of 'Is too!', 'Is not!', strings of obscenities and three hexes which gave Io a rather fetching pair of bunny ears and Severus a long scaly tail and a luminous pink tongue, Io said: "Let's ask the students then," which promptly shut the Potions Master up, leaving him with nothing to do other than sulk. Resolving to leave the setting up of the potion until the next evening, Io and Severus retired for the evening. Well, Severus retired to bed whereas Io drank one of the vials of fresh blood she had brought with her and left to explore the grounds of the school.

Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall sat relaxing in the Headmasters office with their favourite beverage, rum. Admittedly, the pair were slightly tipsy, and their conversation often skipped from one random subject to another.

"Where's the rum gone?" Albus asked, slurring.

"I love that movie! Johnny Depp is so hot!" Minerva clapped excitedly.

"He was great in that... and in Sleepy Hollow."

"But he wasn't as hot in Sleepy Hollow as he was in Ninth Gate!" Minerva almost screeched. She was, Albus' drunken mind realised, completely obsessed with Johnny Depp.

"Let's dance!" The subject was changed and before you could say 'Liquorice Wand' the pair were ballroom dancing, albeit drunkenly, around Albus' office.

When Io returned to her quarters at five in the morning, she was greeted by a room full of House Elves cleaning up her rooms.

"Gagh!" she yelled. Immediately they all stopped their work and stared at her, shaking. "What do you want from me?!" she begged before running off to Severus' door, banging on it until he answered the door in his half-awake half-asleep state. She ran past him through the door and sat on the sofa.

_Why me?_ Snape wondered, closing the door quietly and turning to face the vampire as he attempted to wake himself up.

"What is it?" he asked, clearly agitated.

"Those fucking House Elves were all over the fucking place! Can't they just keep the fuck outta my fucking quarters?!"

The Potions Master smiled sleepily in an amused fashion. "Right... you have an extensive vocabulary, I see." He, with no sense of his usual aloof grace, plopped down into the large overstuffed armchair directly across from the sofa which Io was barely perched on. With a deep and calming sigh she somehow managed to fall off the sofa, landing on her backside. There was a muffled squeak.

"What the-" She pulled the offending object form underneath her and dangled it before her face in amusement. "A squeaky mouse?"

"My bird has an addiction to it," Severus explained, conjuring a tray of coffee to the table between them. Then, as if on cue, a decidedly large raven decided to glide in through the small window near the ceiling and perch on the outstretched arm of the Potions Master. It stared at the squeaky mouse.

"Oooh... pretty birdie!" Io took the mouse from Severus and threw it out of the window. The raven followed. Severus returned his attention to the conversation. Io looked around the room – bored.

"Isn't that a term used in some Muggle sport?"

"Yep. Golf. I'll have to teach you sometime," Io said breezily.

"I think not."

"Whatever." She reclined on the sofa, stretching, before curling up in one corner and closing her eyes.

"So, you are staying?"

"What does it look like, Hugo-Moose?" She raised her eyebrow, still keeping her eyes closed, though he could feel her gaze from behind her eyelids. He shifted his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other whilst he considered his options...

Then a wicked grin spread across his features. "I warned you not to, but still you did." He strode to the sofa, easily picked the vampire up, turned around and strode to the front door which he swiftly threw her out of. He shut the door on her, cast a silencing charm and laughed. Then he had an idea.

"What was that all about?!" Io yelled at the door. "FINE! BE LIKE THAT!" She stormed back to her quarters in what was, quite possibly, the worst temper she had ever been in, mumbling the names of several hexes she would be using if she caught a single House Elf anywhere near her or her rooms.

Thankfully, when she returned, there was not a single House Elf to be found... only a letter.


	10. Chapter Ten

**The Vampire  
**_by Fish_

_Chapter ten: The Letter_

Io approached the letter with extreme caution; a hex ready to be vocalised should she find anything unpleasant inside the, admittedly exquisite, piece of stationary. She pounced on to the coffee table and tore into the letter, completely ignoring the wax seal which bore the insignia of the sender.

She scanned the letter twice before actually deciding to sit down and read it...

"Dear Mr Snape," she read aloud, but paused after that, tearing her eyes from the writing. _This is Hugo-Moose-Sevvie's mail... I shouldn't read it... but then again, why else would it be here? Maybe he already read it and it involves me in some way... or maybe, God forbid, he wants my advice on something silly like... DATING!_ Her mind full of the possibilities the letter could hold, she read on. "You are cordially invited to attend a celebratory event at the Malfoy Manor. The event will begin at seven o'clock and end precisely twenty-four hours later." _Twenty-four hours? Weird people... wait... Malfoy... hmmmmm..._ Io nonchalantly dropped the letter on to the coffee table, where the shredded envelope rested in many pieces. Suddenly tired, Io decided to leave the matter of the invitation until the next evening... or the morning - the main perk of being in the dungeons was that she didn't have to worry much at all about awakening during the day.

_Seven am_, his thoughts echoed their predecessors. _SEVEN A-FUCKING-M!_ He rolled his eyes at the canopy above him, resisting the urge to growl agitatedly.

Io had awoken Severus in a rather personal and unbelievably uncouth manner after having the sheer audacity to break his own wards, ranting and waving some letter under his nose in an apparent panic.

"Slow down."

She did.

"Now, start again. What do you want?"

"This, Hu- umm... Sev, is a sodding letter from your **best** friend." His eyebrow rose in query, she rolled her eyes. "Lucius Malfoy... duh."

Snape grabbed the letter and read through it, studying any other motives possibly concealed in the invitation. An invitation to Lucius and Narccissa Malfoy's anniversary party... a twenty-four hour one... suspiciously like the Death Eater meetings held at the manor.

"It says to bring a guest," Io piped up. "Who're you gonna take with you?"

He appeared to consider this for a moment. A very brief moment. "I know nobody else worth taking with me... so, I'm afraid, it's you, Io."

"I feel so special."

Io received no answer to her sarcastic statement. Snape rose and locked himself in the bathroom. The vampire took full advantage of the large, vacant, and still warm bed, burying herself under the covers. She remained there until the Potions Master re-entered his bedroom and whipped the bedcovers off of her. He stood, sorting the covers out, and she lay, curled up on the bed, for five minutes. Io was the first to break the silence.

"Right, so I'm going as your nephew, right?" She looked at him, hope in her eyes.

"No." The hope was gone. All was silent except for the slurping noises made by Severus and his coffee.

"Slave?" She inspected her nails with an air of superiority, clearly against the idea of a vampire being slave to a mere human.

"No... Friend." The coffee was definitely improving his answers... two words now.

"Either way, somebody will faint... or die... at the simple fact that** YOU **have a **FRIEND**."

"You forget, I am a Potions Master."

"What does that have to do with- oh... right." The vampire gave him a quick thumbs up.

He shook his head and muttered "Random."

"Heh, thankyou."

"For what?"

"I'll explain later. So when is this random party-do-shindig-bash... knees-up, even?"

"Tomorrow."

The Vampire's face contorted in mock panic. "Whatever shall I wear!" she gasped.

"You're a witch," Severus pointed out, "use your initiative."

"Or, alternatively, my wand!"

"Or wandless magic."

"Nah, I'm too lazy." As if to emphasise, she lethargically waved his suggestion away.

"Well, yes." A nod, then: "Don't you use it at all anymore?"

"Do I have to go through the whole: three years two months, yadda-yadda-yadda thing? Because I stopped counting when I saw you... and I stopped using it when you went."

"So, you don't miss me anymore?"

"I miss the younger, prankster, Snapey... unless that's still you, of course?"

"I never said it wasn't."

"I know."

"So, what_are_ we wearing?" he pressed, remembering their current situation.

"Kimonos," replied Io... what terrified Snape was that she was actually serious. Due to his refusal of kimonos, he was bombarded with other suggestions from Io: can-can dancer outfits, a two-person horse costume, the Snape-twins, punks, and lastly Marilyn Manson and fangirl goth.

Io,_ of course_, would be Mr Manson, and failed to comprehend Severus' objection to wearing a PVC bondage skirt.

And so the pair bickered...

**Again.**


End file.
